life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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