I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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