After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
