Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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