it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
