my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
