She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
