last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
