I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we're making bets on your personal life
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
