saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
