I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
