You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
