here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just gift wrapped bread.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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