literally had 100 drinks last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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