That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
