My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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