he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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