Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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