If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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