also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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