Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
