ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
