I think im going to throw up on grandma
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
