I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he puts the penis in happiness.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
