i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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