Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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