i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
