It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
