apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
