You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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