Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
