some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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