I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
