I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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