No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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