From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
