I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
