Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
