just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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