Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
