Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
