is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
