I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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