he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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