i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
