I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
