70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
