im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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