Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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