My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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