Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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