Im at strip club and am horny
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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