I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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